


Aww, Arrow, No!

by WinterWitch611



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Bucky's Ass, Clint is a Disaster, Humor, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Sexual Humor, Team Needs A Babysitter, accidental impaling, tony is so done
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-18
Updated: 2018-08-18
Packaged: 2019-06-29 07:23:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,022
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15724677
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WinterWitch611/pseuds/WinterWitch611
Summary: Clint accidently shoots Bucky in the ass with an arrow. Tony and Steve try to get to the, umm, bottom of what actually happened. Let the finger pointing begin!





	Aww, Arrow, No!

Tony is in his lab when a loud crash startles him. He grabs the table to steady himself. ‘ _What the hell was that? One of those miscreants must have done something horrible_ ,’ he thinks while simultaneously questioning the placement of his lab. The proximity to the gym and range was a huge mistake.

“FRIDAY do we need Fire & Rescue?” he asks his ever vigilant assistant.

“No, boss; but we might need a referee, and a _Time Out_ chair.”

“Who is it this time? No, let me guess…Steve and Nat fighting over who’s prettier? Bruce and Thor trying prove who’s really stronger? Sam and Bucky just being Sam & Bucky?” he jokes as he goes back to work.

“I’m afraid not. It seems Agent Barton and Sergeant Barnes had an unfortunate incident. They’re currently having a rather heated disagreement. The medical team is on the way to attend to Sergeant Barnes.”

Tony’s head snaps up, eyes wide. “Medical? Why does he need medical?” he feels his heart rate increase, this may actually be serious.

“He’s been impaled by an arrow.”

“WHAT?!” tools go crashing to the ground as Tony pushes himself away from the table. He runs as fast as he can toward the stairs. _‘I knew this would happen. This is what you get when you mix idiots, with deadly weapons and add down time… bored children trying to kill each other.”_

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

“You shot me in the ass!!!  Are you fuckin’ kiddin’ me right now, Barton??!!” Bucky is laying on the floor with an arrow sticking out of his ass cheek. “FRIDAY, little help here!”

“I’ve already summoned the medical team, Sergeant.”

“You tried to kill me!! You tried to murder me with a 20lb plate.” Clint attempts to explain himself. Natasha raises her eyebrows. She knows he’s full of shit but she’ll let him continue to make an ass of himself, it’s amusing.

“THAT’S your story?? I did not try to kill you! Ya know what, this is Nat’s fault!” he says as he writhes on the floor. “Just forget it, leave me and my ass alone.”

“Hey, you took the bet. The outcome is your fault, not mine.” she motions toward the archer. “You’d think Clint would have better aim when it comes to your ass, Barnes.”

“Seriously? Right now is the time for jokes, Natalia? Уходи, Вы зло!” (Go away, you are evil) Bucky has had enough of her nonsense.

“да, но тебе это нравится!” (yes, but you like it) she winks and blows him a kiss.

The medical team arrives. Davis has been on staff at the compound a while but Stratton is new— a rookie. He makes the mistake of thinking this is a prank at his expense. “Oh come on, you guys are kidding, right? No way Hawkeye shot the Winter Soldier in the ass with an arrow and is still breathing,” he remarks.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Clint snaps. “You think I can’t hold my own against this attempted murderer?”

“I did NOT attempt to murder you, you idiot! OW!!” Bucky tries to get up. He doesn’t make it very far. As he slides down onto his stomach again he glares up at Clint. He’s never wanted to punch someone in the face more in his life.

“Alright, Sergeant Barnes, let’s get you over to medical and get this removed,” Davis says, cutting his eyes at Stratton. He’s going to have a have a long talk with this kid. It’s one thing to insult someone when you’re on the job. It’s another thing entirely when you insult an Avenger when you’re on the job.

Just as they get Bucky strapped on to the stretcher, Tony bursts into the room. “Why do you people insist on shooting each other? Do I need to hire a babysitter? Hide the weapons? Get you all fitted for shock collars? And where is Rogers!?” he quickly scans the room. “STEVE!!?? Steve, the kids are trying to kill each other again!!”

“He’s not here, Tony.” Nat snaps.

“Obviously, Romanoff, because if he were here this shit wouldn’t have happened!” he gestures toward Bucky. “Now, the Terminator is going to have a scar on that perfect ass and Barton will have to live with that for the rest of his life.”

“Whoa!! This is all your fault, Stark!” Everyone stops and turns toward Clint. “What? It is!”

“Can your fairytale wait until I get the arrow REMOVED FROM MY ASS?” Bucky has had enough of the pain in his ass, and the arrow doesn’t tickle either.

“Davis, take him.” Tony points toward the door. “Once the projectile is removed we can discuss how this is 100% Barton’s fault.”

As Bucky is wheeled away he’s sure to get Clint’s attention long enough to flip him off.

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

“Where were you today?”

“I had a few things to take care of. I told you before I left, Tony. But once again, you weren’t paying attention.”

“C’mon, Steve. You always wait until I’m in the middle of something to start a conversation. How is this my fault?, Tony places his hands on his hips and huffs. “Everytime something happens around here it’s automatically my fault. I’m still waiting to hear how Barton shooting Barnes in the ass is my fault.”

“WHAT!? Barton shot who in the ass?!” Steve is shocked and slightly pissed. “How am I just hearing about this? Is he okay? Jesus Christ, Tony, why did you wait until now to tell me? I have to go. Where is he?”

“Will you calm the hell down? You’re getting your spangles in a bunch for nothing. He got hit in the ass cheek with an arrow. It’s not that serious. If you had been here to supervise the unruly children that reside in this asylum maybe it wouldn’t have happened.” Now Tony is trying to shift the blame. He gives Steve the innocent puppy look, it’s not working.

“Don’t you dare blame me! An overwhelming majority of the residents here are fucking each other. If they’re old enough to fuck they’re old enough to exhibit some common sense and not SHOOT EACH OTHER!”

“Language!!”   

“Oh fuck you, Tony!” Steve snaps as he stomps out the door,

“Not with that attitude, mister!” he shouts after him. Tony can’t believe what’s going on in this place. It’s seriously like watching a bad movie, all that’s missing is a bucket of popcorn and a sticky floor.

 

~~~~~~~~~

 

“I said I was sorry, Bucky. C’mon!”

“You can say you’re sorry until you’re blue in the face. Now go away unless you plan on kissin’ it and makin’ it better.”

“Not in front of everyone, sheesh! I have a little class.” Clint flashes his crooked smile and adds a wink for good measure.

Bucky is laying on his stomach on the couch. His pants are pulled down and there’s a bandage on one cheek. Clint is shoving pillows under Bucky’s stomach to raise his ass in the air. “Gotta elevate the wound”,he says. Nat is taking pictures with her phone. Sam is taking video with his. This is going to be trending on YouTube by morning.

“Alright, enough!” Tony finally joins them all in the common room. He wants to laugh at the sight before him but he needs to get to the bottom, uh, the root of the issue here. He can’t have people just randomly shooting each other without just cause. Steve is right behind him looking annoyed. “Which one of you wants to tell us what really happened today?” he deadpans.

“Us?” Nats asks with a puzzled look on her face. “When did this,” she motions between them, “become a co-parenting operation?”

“When the children that live here started SHOOTING EACH OTHER!” Steve looks exasperated.

“One time! It was one time and like I said, this is Tony’s fault!” Clint is kneeling next to Bucky when he shouts, making the soldier flinch.

“Must you? I already have an ass-ache, I don’t need a headache to go with it.”

“Sorry, dear.” Clint says as he pats Bucky’s head, earning him the patented **Murder Glare** ™

Tony’s head snaps toward his accuser. “Again with the ‘ _It’s Tony’s fault_ ’ shit? Explain, Katniss, how is it my fault you shot your big, beefy, boy toy in the ass?”

“Boy toy? Let’s get one thing straight, Stark,” Bucky snaps. “There are no boy toys here, come to our room later. We’ll show you if you want.” he smirks at Tony who now has too pick his jaw up off the floor. Steve catches Tony mouth the word ‘really?’ at Bucky who then replies with an eyebrow wiggle.   

“Can we please focus, people? Jesus, it’s like all any of you do is think about sex,” Steve scolds. His never ending patience seems to be wearing thin.

“Well _now_ I’m thinking about sex,” Tony mumbles under his breath.

“TONY!” Steve is about to blow, and not in a good way.

“Okay okay, spill it you two. What really happened?”

“I’ll field this, you just sit there and rest your ass.” Clint says as he pats Bucky’s head again. He gets smacked in the back of the head by his, rather unamused, boyfriend. “So, I was minding my own business, trying out some of the new arrows Tony made for me. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary except for one. It had a blinking red light in the tip.”,he begins to explain and then he notices Tony’s eyes suddenly widen. “Now, I wasn’t told what this particular arrow could do so I wanted to try it out and see for myself. Just as I’m taking aim a 20lb plate comes flying out of nowhere.” he puts emphasis on the _nowhere_ and looks directly at Bucky. “I lost my concentration for a second. Next thing I know Bucky is screaming that I shot him in the ass.”

“Okay. and how exactly is this Tony’s fault? “ Steve asks.

“The arrow was heat seeking! He gave me a heat seeking arrow and didn’t tell me! Have you seen Bucky’s ass? There’s nothing on the planet hotter than that. Of course the fuckin’ arrow went right for it!”

Tony looks sheepish; time to deflect. “Wait a second, why was there a 20lb plate flying toward you? THAT wasn’t my fault. Care to explain, Barnes?”

“Nat bet me I couldn’t hit Clint’s target with the plate before his arrow hit.” Bucky replies with a shrug. “So, in a nutshell, you designing this place with the range so close to the gym AND creating ass-hitting arrows for Clint, basically caused _all_ of this. I hope you’re proud of yourself.”

“Yeah, Tony, maybe you should’ve thought about the ramifications of your actions.” Clint folds his arms and tries to look stern “I mean, really, how did you NOT see this coming?”

“Tell me, Legolas, you see better from a distance, yeah?” Tony looks pissed so Clint stands up in case he needs to run. “Let me know if you can still see the compound from Guam because that’s where you’re gonna be living if you aren’t out of my sight in five seconds!”

“See you guys later!” Clint starts to jog out of the room. “Buck, ask Sam if you need anything, he said he’d be glad to help. Especially with changing the bandage.”

“I’d rather get shot in the ass,” Sam quips as he continues to play with his phone, “twice.”

“I can arrange that, birdboy,” Bucky snaps.

“Steve, they’re threatening to shoot each other again. Do something.” Tony pleads.

“Okay, that’s enough for today. All of you, in the gym, 0800 tomorrow.” Steve turns toward Bucky “Buck, you’ll be healed by then, so that includes you, no excuses. And let your assailant know when you see him later. Although,” he glances at the vent in the ceiling above them “odds are he’s in the vents, so he already knows.”

“Roger that, Cap!” comes the muffled reply from the ceiling. “Tony did say to get out of his sight. I was just complying.”

“Five year olds. I live with five year olds,” Nat mumbles under her breath.  

 

**Author's Note:**

> Beta'd by Caramell0w


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